The Adder

Everytime I go back to the lodge, my heart sinks. It does not feel like home at all - not even close. I'm even starting to feel more comfortable in the stressful environment of SMU.

There, I feel as if I'm killing myself with too many things going on at the same time. But I feel fulfilled and I'm getting more and more empowered by the day. I know why I'm there, and I know what I'm working towards. Consequently, passion just pours out and drives everything I do. There's also the reassurance that I am not the only one working for what I'm driving at.

In SMU, I can devote all my time and energy for the realization of my dreams. Someone always told me to see myself as a toothpaste tube that has been squeezed out, twisted here and there, until nothing more can come out. Then he'd say that only then would I experience the exhilaration that comes from exhaustion. And it's true. I do feel exhilaratingly exhausted at the end of each day. Each day I try to squeeze myself out and push myself to the edge. Each day we get one step closer to the dream.

I come back to the lodge, and the feeling dies. The enthusiasm is gone, the passion dries up. Fatigue is the sickening residue. Something about this place just kills all the youthful exuberance in me. It murders the dream. It just makes me sick.

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"My words fly up, but my thoughts remain below. Words without thoughts never to heaven go."
- Claudius, William Shakespeare's Hamlet